all the grass is green and golden
what would it feel like to fantasize
about what i already have?
to see myself,
and wish to be like me.
to grow a craving for my own life,
even while living inside of it.
satisfaction of a desire creates a vacuum
where a new desire must arise
can i fill it with a desire for what i have?
can i create a feedback loop of desire?
i wish i could live in a forest like her, and spend my evenings by the wood stove.
(she is so lucky)
i wish i had a sweet man like hers, who would love me and make me warm stews.
(she is so lucky)
i wish i had a healthy body, like her body, that could stretch and bend and breathe.
(she is so lucky)
i wish i could sit here, like she’s sitting.
to look out her window, and notice the place
where treetops meet the sky.
the cold edges of my toes
the radiant pain of my low back
the angry wind outside the window,
and the stillness inside
all so vivid and immediate,
the dazzling energy of this moment
shouldn’t something so overwhelming endure?
for longer than a breath?
give me five minutes please, before it’s gone
but it’s gone
like the ones before it
like the moment today when i stood at the foot of a cliff
staring straight up
ice dripping all around me
i was there
and you weren’t
but it’s equally real to us now
a mist hanging over the road.
one you can drive through
and never touch.
the inverse of you
whenever i close my eyes i see a negative image
of the contrasts of your face
the darks are bright and the brights are dark
but its all a type of pink
that doesn't exist outside of the backs of my eyes,
or the inverse of your face
if i met an inverted version of you
would i like them better?
would they love me better?
i think we would still argue, but for different reasons.
would we still laugh?
would we have anything to laugh about?
how often would i cry?
how often would i wonder
what it would be like
to meet the inverse of you?
you have a silver and blue shining face.
a stream of light from a nearby star rebounds off the moon,
turning and making its way toward you.
on contact, the light transforms.
a representation of your skin and eyes and lips and cheeks finds its way into the cavities of my eyes,
and softly illuminates the inside of my head
like the moonlit surface of a planet, turned inside out.
someone holds up a mirror to your face and it reflects back a better version of you
"look"—they say—and you do.
she looks like you but shinier.
more well read.
she probably eats better, and cleans the floors more often.
the cat hair doesn't build up in the spaces between her things,
and she meditates every day. she finishes every thing she starts,
and calls her friends on the phone exactly the right amount.
"it's a joke" they say, "laugh"
and you LAUGH
hindsight is blind
hindsight, tbh, has no idea what its talking about
flashes of a light moment bounce off the wide white screen of my bullshit memory
laughter, a breeze, the sun in my eyes, your thoughtfulness
memory like a soft cotton sheet
laying itself across all of the sure feelings i had
tucking into the corners of i don’t want this
folding gently down to the pillows of i don't want you
what if we were satellites
what if we woke up one day having turned into a warm fine mist,
and were taken away from our bed on a breeze
what if we got stuck to a dandelion, and sneezed out by a dog’s wet nose,
before landing on a hot stone where we'd bake in the sun until we evaporated
and what if we ended up in two different clouds, but still near by,
and fell down with the rain into the same small lake.
what if a canoe came by and with its oars, dipped and pulled,
turning us into a pair of swirling miniature whirlpools
what if we twirled and twirled until a certain kind of physics insisted we combine
and what if we moved with the wind and the tides for months until our hemisphere cooled,
and our thoughts got slower and we strained to communicate, until it all froze up
i bet the quiet would be a nice change - the cold, still silence that would go on for 100 days.
we would enjoy the pace, a chance to meditate and stop worrying about chores or the internet or each other
right before we got bored of it, the earth would tilt toward the sun and we’d start to hear the sound of dripping.
it would come from all around us, and then we’d thaw too, into a couple of cold drops barely warm enough to be liquid
soon we’d join some other drops, pockets of them would form around us until the edges all cracked,
and with a splash it would become a lake of water again
maybe we’d be near the bottom, with the rocks and mush, remembering what it felt like to be a cloud,
and with a little wriggling we’d find our way to the surface, and wait for the sun to do what it does
between the lake and the sky we’d grab a hold of each other and decide to keep moving.
we’d pass through the clouds, careful not to freeze again when we got to a high altitude
with a little shove we’d pop through the ozone and find our way into orbit.
it would remind us of being frozen - the same quiet, calm, carefree stillness,
but with a better view